THE GAME OF LIFE: OFFICIAL RULES

Starting the Game
In this game you will receive a card for a Career, a Salary, and a “Method of Suicide”. Begin by choosing from the following careers: Janitor, Delivery Boy, Garbage Man, Taxi Driver and Feces Tester. After you have chosen the one you like the most, you are fired. Discard it, and take the one you like the least. Then take the lowest possible salary card you can.

After everyone has the most horrible conditions under which to spend their adult lives, you begin by spinning the dial. The objective now, is to die as soon as possible. You will go through trying ordeals, and horrible mishaps. Contrary to what some theologians think, this will only make you a bitter, angry and suicidal person. So let’s get started!

The Game
To progress around the board, spin the dial and move your piece the corresponding number of spaces.  Certain spots on the board are events in the player’s life, which will affect them either positively, or, more likely, negatively.  As the objective is to die, there are scattered around the board “Suicide Attempt!” tiles. When you land on one of these, spin the dial. If you get a 10, you manage to end your life, and draw a “Method of Suicide” card.  Moving your piece to the end of the board will also result in your suicide.

Ending the Game
After all players have killed themselves, reveal your Method of Suicide card. The person with the messiest method wins. Or the person who dies first. Or something. Tell you what, you’re all winners because you’re no longer alive.

***Disclaimer***
The game might come to being in reality. If this happens, the makers of Jumanji do not have legal standing as human beings to sue House and Greer Inc. Enjoy!