Today I would like to announce the latest addition to Action Figure Graveyard. As many of you know, after an unsuccessful career as a minor league baseball player, I traveled the world in search of knowledge. At some point in my travels, I think I drank out of Nostradamus's skull and achieved omniscience. Recently, I was made aware that the key to a successful life is to share your gifts with the world. So, without further adieu I would like to present to you the first installment of "Ask House".  If you have any questions pertaining to anything in the known universe (or even the unknown one) please e-mail me and I will gladly provide any information on any subject you would like.

Q: "House, what the hell is wrong with you?" - Kurious in Kosovo

A: When I was young lad growing up in the 1970s in Khrushchev era government housing projects on the outskirts of Kiev, I once found a small kitten that I nursed back to health. I had named this cat Amos F. Gruntlesworth Jr.

Years later, when the Berlin wall came crashing down when I was 17, and I left my homestead with naught but a few sandwiches, a plane ticket to Boise, Idaho and the now 8-year old cat tucked away in my knapsack. When I stepped off the plane for the first time in the sweet air, Amos F. Gruntlesworth Jr. ran away, and as I followed him through alleys and backyards for several miles I finally caught up with him in an underground car park where I witnessed my first Baseball Death Tournament. The stakes were enormously high. I figured this was the only way a poor teenage Russian immigrant could make a living, and I began playing short stop for the East Bergen Street Destroyers.

I quickly developed the skills necessary to survive each game and after two years I was recruited to play AAA baseball for the Toledo Mud Hens. In my seventh semi-pro game, I broke a bat swinging at a pitch. I reacted on the survival instincts I had learned in the BDT league and jabbed the broken bat into the left eye of the catcher as I ran to first base. I was dismissed from the league for that incident, after which I traveled the world in search for spiritual absolution and money until the mid-nineties. And that's the story of how I met my wife.